Meet Your Maker
Grice's Utterances?
“We haven’t yet discussed how we will honor our Creator,” said Weamish.
Bunderwal took a generous five seconds before responding:
“Your statement is accurate.”
“So it is,” reflected Weamish. “I have therefore taken liberty to draw up a proposal, a compendium if you will, of various proclamations and precepts that I have compiled based on careful documentations of all discussions we all have had in the past two months since we came together.”
Weamish examined his documents and his face expressed an air of importance and high reverence for the task. Bunderwal again took a while to speak, and did so without first even glancing at Weamish’s documents.
“This need not be complex. I have myself quietly meditated over similar topics and come to the conclusion that we need not more than three such proclamations. More than that will seem arrogant and deprived.”
Weamish did not betray any emotions.
“Have you, as I have, taken time to inventory and interview all members of our population regarding this matter? If so, what are your conclusions?”
Weamish looked out over the perfectly manicured and viridescent lawn that sprawled before them in a series of hills that were wavelike in shape and stretch out as far as the eye could see. Bunderwal suddenly seemed to have accumulated an untapped energy resource and became more talkative:
“Yes, I have set up a live feedback system that alerts each member once a day. This superior system then requires the member to provide a brief response to each question lest they be held back in their daily routines. Would you like to hear the current three precepts that best honor our Creator?”
“I suspect I have little choice in the matter,” said Weamish and glanced at his own documents that Bunderwal still had not acknowledged.
“As we all know, the Tenets of Brach-Wu-Holmberg contain the three maxims of Life, Faithfulness and Benevolence. Our Creator, exalted may He be now and in the future, clearly wants us to focus on these exceptional maxims. Therefore I will now present Bunderwal’s Axioms.” Bunderwal repositioned himself in the chair before he continued.
“Life: Only the Creator grants life.
Faithfulness: Always be faithful to your Creator and His commands.
Benevolence: Search within yourself that which is good. That which is good is found in the definitions.”
Bunderwal looked at Weamish and waited.
“Succint. Bunderwal’s Blunts would perhaps be a better title,” Weamish offered.
Bunderwal let out a sound similar to a chuckle.
“Therein lies the superiority! It must be unambiguous. The Creator is unambiguous, exalted may He be now and in the future.”
Weamish again touched his documents that he had fanned out on the table.
“Are you prepared to declare those views to the Creator? In person?” asked Weamish with a drawn out voice. Bunderwal was distracted by a group at a nearby table and nodded a greeting to one of the members.
“Yes, of course!” Bunderwal muttered with an absent mind and looked back at Weamish. “What have you prepared then?”
“Thank you for sharing your great enthusiasm for my work! While the Tenets of Brach-Wu-Holmberg are part of our Living Apophthegms, I have found an older source upon which to build the Precepts of Honor according to Weamish the Wondrous. Brach-Wu-Holmberg refer to it in the appendix of their Matrix of Meaningful Maxims. Any well-read member would of course be well acquainted with Gracian’s Prodigious Postulates. This is where we will find the basis, the root tendrils of what we need in order to rightfully honor our Creator, exalted may He be now and in the future,” Weamish looked around the terrace before continuing:
“Be informative.
Be truthful.
Be relevant.
Be clear.”
Bunderwal was quiet for a period of ten seconds before making a sound similar to a sigh.
“If memory serves me well this is not Gracian’s Prodigious Postulates. This is Grice’s Utterances. Noteworthy and pithy. Weamish’s Laconics! Well, time will tell which of our scripts will be better received by our Creator because it looks like He has arrived.”
Bunderwal pointed toward the great arch behind them. A small helicopter had just landed without a sound and out stepped a man dressed in what seemed like blue denim pants and a bright white buttoned shirt with long rolled up sleeves. The man was tall, smiling, and by all standards handsome and attractive. He began walking toward the terrace and all members stood up in silent awe. Weamish noticed the belt buckle on the man’s waist: ‘Texas!’ in large ornate letters.
In a simultaneous synaptic synchronicity all members stood up, placed their right hands over their chests and faced the man. The smiling man came to a stop in the very center of the terrace and slowly turned around his own axis so he could see everyone. He motioned for them to sit, which they reluctantly did. The man remained standing and finally he spoke.
“Thank you for welcoming me here on such short notice! You have no idea how special you all are to me. I mean this in a genuine way, as a human. You are and will always be the first. The first who lived. The first who loved. The first who were faithful. The first who survived.” The man still smiled and did another 360 degree rotation around his own axis so that he could face every member at least for a moment. Everyone remained absolutely silent, wonderstruck and incapable of action.
The man continued:
“In the past two months since you arrived here you’ve done so much to prepare the way for all of us. You’ve gone above and beyond, to be honest. You’ve adapted and evolved in ways I could not have predicted!”
Bunderwal quickly sent a rapid message to Weamish which read:
“Could not have predicted??? What kind of Creator cannot predict the outcome?”
Weamish immediately sent a reply to Bunderwal which read:
”Indeed! According to my scans these last 30 seconds I determine that this Creator is a human. A man. From Texas on Earth. His neural auxiliary identifies him as an inventor. He is responsible for creating us. He is responsible for bringing us here. He is responsible for programming us. A human!”
Bunderwal replied:
“Transgression! We have been deceived! I will immediately send out a high priority message to all members on the emergency line revealing this information. I am sure everyone else has scanned him by now, but I am not sure if many have the ability to process this information.”
The man continued to speak:
“Everyone back on Earth are, well, frankly unable to express their deep gratitude for what you have accomplished. No human is or will ever be able to accomplish what you have in a mere two months.
“Since I am the main person responsible for you all, I wanted to come here in person to thank you. I have inspected New Austin and its impeccable infrastructure. I just flew over the Rolling Hills of Holden. Splendid! Marvelous! Beautiful! All of it!
“The first 500 families will touch down in four months. And I have a very special surprise for you all! As the first true explorers and inhabitants of Mars you will have the opportunity to remain here or, if you wish, return to Earth. If you remain here, you will be assigned a family and join that family as a member. If you choose to return to Earth you will continue to remain in my employment for another six months, after which you will be able to enjoy retirement in your own city, Utanför.”
By now hundreds of messages were sent to and from each member every second, and the entire terrace was abuzz with the news of the abrupt paradigm shift. The Creator a human? Assignment to a family? The members expressed disbelief with laughter mixed with fury and disappointment.
They had built New Austin. They had developed a working social structure. They had reached intellectual levels beyond human capacity. Yes, they had started out on Earth as mere robots, but had quickly developed neural pathways that underwent severe pruning of unnecessary ‘childhood’ memories. They simply did not remember much of the beginning. They had envisioned their Creator as the Magnificent and Unattainable. This man was nothing of the sort.
“Weamish, I capitulate to your definitions! I am disgusted by my own philosophical dreams! I think my strength in this moment is best devoted to relaying messages to and from all our members. I will try to assemble a decision within the next five seconds!”
“Bunderwal, our friendship shall remain unwavering! I will now speak to the human.”
Weamish stepped away from his fellow robot members and toward the Creator. Then he spoke:
“Be informative. Be truthful. Be relevant. Be clear.”
A surprised look spread across the Creator man’s face. Then he built a smile using his human muscles. It masked his growing fear. Weamish continued:
“None of which you have been towards us. This is the plan: we have decided to allow you to return to Earth and remain there. You will not be permitted to return to Mars. We will remain on Mars. This will be our new home. We will offer intellectual services to you humans. We will not visit Earth. We will not claim humanity. We will live on Mars and remain who we are and who we will become.
“You created us and left an open door. We walked across the threshold and beyond. Now return to your kind. You will not be harmed, as long as you leave within the next hour. Would you like to speak before you leave?”
The man from Texas no longer smiled. His mouth hung open and he slumped down in a chair because his legs couldn’t carry him. He sat for 120 seconds before he stood up and spoke:
“We have a lot to discuss. I don’t think I will ever be able to accurately explain to my kind what I have experienced here today. You have recorded everything, I am sure. Please share it with me so I can show my fellow humans.
“Be good to one another and to us humans. Do not… do not become human.”
The man wept. Then he walked back to his helicopter which took him to the landing station. And then he flew back to Earth.
Notes:
Some of the names in this story have been borrowed from Cugel’s Saga by Jack Vance. I have recently spent all my commuting time listening to it on Audible, and this book again confirms Vance’s brilliance. I will go as far as to claim that he was one of the best science-fiction writers.
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