Aubade: Chapter 20
Very Messed Up
“She’s Peter’s wife!” Jack gargled.
Vince lost some of the strength in his grip and Jack tore himself loose.
“All I want to know,” Jack said with a sudden calm voice, “is what the hell’s going on here. Why’s this…” he pointed at Sara with disgust “...this person on this ship and why does she seem to be involved in everything and with everyone here?” Jack sat down on a chair and waited.
Vince remained quiet for a little too long, and Sara stood as far away from them as possible.
“It’s possible Peter put Sara on this ship, as a way to rescue her.” Jack opened his mouth but Vince continued:
“Of course, this is only my own theory, but we both knew Peter and his ways. He was the only one crazy enough to fly into enemy territory on a delivery drone, and then somehow walk out. And still manage to get a place on the board and plan this whole mission. Yes, all of this is messed up. Very messed up. For all we know, Peter could be dead or several hundred years away, or just outside our locator. And their child, who knows, maybe he sent the girl on yet another ship? She wasn't on this ship. I checked.”
Sara felt an increasing sense of disconnectedness. They were now talking about her in a clinical and strategic way. Gone was the person they each had just wanted to claim as their own. It was now merely a chess game. What did Peter think? How could they best get into his brain? She clearly had miscalculated her own husband. Or had she?
“I suspect Pandora is with Peter.” She finally broke the silence.
Jack and Vince studied her with something that emanated a kind of formal, military neutral look. A clinical observation of a — target? The sudden cut of these strange umbilical cords hit Sara with a pang. A sensation of numbness rain from her waist down to her feet and forced her to sit down.
She understood it in a split second. They had just made a decision to save their own careers! No more conversations or accusations were necessary. They had made an instant, silent agreement that she was untouchable. She could feel it in their eyes, the way they behaved, the way they chose to remain abnormally calm even though Jack had just been ready to beat her up. And Vince. Her thoughts were racing through everything they had done together. Her only true ally had taken a step back into his own world. They were, after all, stuck on a small planet in an even smaller colony. This was it. There was nowhere else to go.
She had to try to explain her side of it, the actual story, the truth. Not that it mattered anymore but just in case Vince cared. Jack would never speak to her again, she was sure of that.
“I fully expected to die on Earth. Alone. I never told anyone that I thought Peter would find a way to put Pandora on one of the ships. But I always knew he would, somehow. That’s how he operates. It was her birthday that last evening on Earth, and she was staying with me in New York. He must’ve sent a crew to pick us up and put us in some sort of stasis. The mission schedule was, as I am sure you know, not going to be published. All I was told was that when it happens it happens quickly. I thought I would die on Earth. I was sure of it. And I knew Peter would leave me on Earth and take our daughter with him. I just knew it. I was never part of any plan.”
Jack said:
“Well, you’re definitely talking about my brother here, there is no doubt about that. Leaving his city-wife on Earth to burn, while he and his genetically perfected biological daughter escape. So what changed his mind? He must’ve had some good reason for putting you on one of the ships. They didn’t take just anybody.”
Jack was rubbing his forehead in the universal sign of a major headache. Vince activated the strategic screen on the wall nearby, and began to go over star charts and any information about the ships that had left Earth. Jack and Sara moved closer to follow the information on the screen. No signs of any other ships had been detected during this entire time.
“You could’ve said something,” Vince said coldly. This stung Sara’s heart more than anything. She had told him. What did he mean? About being Peter’s wife? That she could have told everyone else onboard? What good would that have done? She still hadn’t figured out why she was on this mission.
“Put yourself in my position. You wake up on a ship racing away from Earth, because Earth was just blown up! And then you realize your daughter, not to mention your husband, is not with you. It messes with your brain, you know?”
She looked at them both with a growing despair and began thinking out loud:
“I still don’t know who to trust. I didn’t want to be manipulated more than I already am. I never wanted to be here. Among a bunch of permanently drugged crew members on one side and a group of war veterans of the Old on the other side. I was in the middle. I was nothing like anyone else here. The closest I ever came to having real friends here were… you.
I wish they had left me on Earth so you wouldn’t ever have had to deal with me! I did my tasks here on Aubade to the best of my abilities and then some. You’ve both been nothing but kind and generous toward me, and for that I’m grateful. I have hurt both of you deeply, and take full responsibility for this. I think I’ve been subconsciously protecting myself from thinking about my daughter by occupying myself with as much work as possible. And in doing so, I have hurt people around me.
Clearly I’m a broken person, and I will ask to be relieved of my duties as soon as possible. Now, the best you both can do is forget me as soon as possible, and I’ll request a lower rank task in a department where all of us three will have as little to do with each other as possible. I will also return the Dagger and ask for the forgiveness of the entire Defense Department for defiling it with my presence. This should cover most or all of it, in the spirit of the Defense Department. What I can’t fix instantly, of course, are your feelings, but I’m sure that you have encountered much worse during your time in war and other battles.
If you choose to discuss me in public, please at least have the decency to not bring my daughter into this. Peter, do with him what you will. I suspect I am, as you Jack said, a mere city-wife, and God knows how many others there might be. I’ll leave you in peace now. Save your anger for the future, and something larger than me.”
Sara didn’t see their faces because the room was not lit well. She was in a state outside her own body. She was a bit surprised by what she had said, and not entirely sure how she had managed to say so much.
Vince and Jack were quiet. She walked to the door and grabbed the door handle. For a second she thought it was locked and she pulled harder. It opened and cold air rushed in her face. She hesitated and hoped one of them would say something. Anything.
Then she let go of the door and sprinted down the green and yellow lit empty hallway back to her quarters. There she ripped off all her clothes and stepped into the steaming hot shower and closed her eyes and breathed. Then she opened her eyes wide and said to herself:
“What the hell have I done?”
My sci-fi anthologies: Errante and No End Code
